Salvia divinorum, the legal drug.

So I went down to my local apothecary, and I picked up a gram of organic 20x salvia. What I got was a small plastic vial, which is filled with black torn up leaves.
It is scary. I had no visions. There were no planes or waving flags, rivers or drinkable paths. It was like I was being sucked into a world inside my head. Like I was inside my body but no longer in touch with it at all. It's a very queer and uncomfortable feeling. It's scary to let go and hope your body, without your brain, will remember to breathe. And I never actually disappear or black out. I keep breathing too. But its almost like I forget as soon as I think. It's like I no longer have a brain to think with and I can only receive information but not process it.

I found myself laughing on my second hit, mostly because I was slurring, there was a camera, and I was nervous. The laughing became real laughs and then a fit. I almost peed myself so I ran to the bathroom trusting that my body would remember the path that I had run in the pitch black of the middle of the night so many times before. I made it to the toilet and even managed to put the seat down. Suddenly I found myself sitting on the toilet with my pants down. I stand up and look beneath me. Hm. I think I was peeing. I pull up my pants and flush. I pull them back down because I find myself standing in the bathroom. I must be here for a reason. Maybe I need to pee. I sit back down. No. This isn't right. I don't have to pee. I stand back up and pull my pants back up. I stop, questioning my actions then continue. I forget to wash my hands and walk right back to the bed.


THAT IS NOT AN EXPERIENCE I WANT TO HAVE WHEN I AM USING RECREATIONAL DRUGS. this shit is weird. It wears off fairly quickly but you also get a tingly feeling all over your body. It doesn't feel nice tingly, it's annoying tingly. I also feel like my eyes don't work quite right on it. It is incredibly intoxicating but not at all addictive. Salvia is weird man. I wanted to try it to know what it was but fuck, this shit is weird. Why bother! I do not regret taking it. I just don't think I'll try it ever again. The vial is still almost completely full. It's a little bit ridiculous. I'm not sure what I'll do with it yet.

Update:
I watched the video that I took. When I went to the bathroom you hear me in a gigglefit. It goes quiet then again laughing and I remark "This is crazy!" I walk back into the room, stand there confused for a moment then decide that the bed was an adequate perch. Quote: "Everything is cray-zay. I can't handle-I can't handle it right now. PFWAHHHAHAHAhA" I had to keep trying say "apples for dinner. spaghetti." Apples and spaghetti as words, apparently, do not mix. It had all the best sounds in it for my malfunctioning mouth. "I can't even handle myself right now. I hope this isn't it reacting to Ritalin. That'd be crAAAzy. This must like what it is to be crazy. I feel like a retarded kid."

Best quote for a description: "I feel myself trying to leave. I know what people are talking about." *very slurred*

Too Many Confusing Cake Dreams

insomnia wakes me from my slumber.
I wander aimlessly searching for sleep.
With only a flame to guide me
And a glass of water to soothe
I am some how supposed to retrieve my goal
Ceaseless dreams and restlessness
dog my heels, snapping like wild ghosts.
here i lie, eyes wide open, dissecting the black void.
It is here that I acquaint myself with true boredom.

Next Big Thing

It's all the rage with the richest, most suave of southern California. Get this: Sidewalks are lame.
If you're getting in shape and want everyone to know, don't hide behind parked cars and the bike lane. Sidewalks are big enough for one and a half people, absolutely not two. And it has the hideous 3 inch buffer called a "curb." Now, if you're REALLY cool and want to be "safe" you're going to want to be able to see on coming cars, even around corners. So what you want to do is walk in the OPPOSITE direction of cars. Do NOT have your back to them, that would allow them to see you before you see them!

I hope all these retarded rich people get run over. They love running IN THE BIKE LANE (sometimes with THEIR DOGS or TWO people deep or any combination of the above). And their favorite game is to come around corners running towards oncoming traffic and bikers. Not only is asphalt worse for your knees than the sidewalk is, you're RUNNING IN THE STREET. Where are your mothers? In nursing homes because you're rich and you don't love her anymore. Living in such affluence shows you the nastiest side of humanity. Everyone just feels way too entitled.

Favorite quote from a rich dick who cut off people in his beamer: "Hey! I live here!"

So do I, fuckface.

What Lady Gaga meant

You know that I idolize.
You Lady Madonna.
At this point I gotta choose,
nothing to loose

Don't call my name.
Don't call my name, Lady Gaga.
I'm want the gays.
I'm want the gays, Madonna.


Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch.
Just sign the papers and punch.
Don't call my name.
Don't call my name, Lady Gaga.

Madonna.
Madonna.
Mad-Mad-Madonna.
Mad-Mad-Madonna.

Her music video for Alejandro looks like Evita (which is ALREADY a musical) on crack hip-pop (different from hip-hop). Can you SCREAM Madonna-Wanna-Be? She also seems like she really is trying too hard to be the Queen of Gays. That's not something you force. It just happens. It happened to Britney Spears and Kathy Griffin. It's not happening to this sell-out NY girl. She was walking the line between weird and sell-out and she crossed it. Stop trying so hard to be and just let shit happen.

Gluttony...Lust...Greed...Slothfulness...Pride...

I slowly open the paper bag, the brown cellulose crinkling under my manicured fingers. I reach in, lifting out the glass jar. I gingerly unscrew the cap and raise the baby food jar up to my face. I shove my nose in and inhale.
COCAINE.
Just kidding.
Fruity vapors rush into my nostrils alerting every olfactory neuron that natural sugars are near. The flavor fills my mouth and then, pineapple. The label wasn't lying. It stinks to high heaven. And the hues run from orange to dark green. It's got half the rainbow on it, talk about eye catching. Besides that, it has a huge bush for a girl. And she's a firecrotch. She's glamorous. She's pineapple kush.




This was written a couple years ago in 2010 I think.

So I've been obsessing over Gwen Stefani

And I know it's bad. I have a total girl crush on her. Like a giant one. (but every girl has one girl celeb crush right?...so maybe I have more than one. Just be quiet! I'm trying to tell you something!) *I'm so ADHD right now. I just woke up. You'll have to excuse me.* Anyway, so I've been watching old music videos and admiring how beautiful she's gotten as she's aged. I don't know how she does it. She looked absolutely radiant when she was pregnant and usually you see a little wear on a woman. Or at least to me, she doesn't look sexy. But Gwen fucking pulled it off. She looked like a goddess or the Virgin or some shit. God she looks like an iconic figure. You could dress her up as the Virgin of Guadeloupe and there'd be worshipers. But yeah, she looked fine in the 90s but she's just wonderful now. She looks like the "right" Marilyn Monroe. You have to admit Monroe was pretty but there was little something off with her. Gwen Stefani-Rossdale is perfect. And she has that beautiful Italian mouth. I love her smile.
Now, let me talk about her voice. she has absolute control over. She can sing virtually any style but I know she likes ska and pop. It sounds like a bird. She can growl. She can put all her emotions into her song and then into you. It's like opening a little bottle of (isn't emotion of any of her songs). Let's take 4 In The Morning. That's like opening a bottle of ouch. End It On This is bittersweet in every sense. I have to admit, the members of no Doubt were pretty phenomenal to bring it all together. I think I like No Doubt better than Gwen Stefani's own albums but that's just because of the style and my personal preference.
She's so versatile. Now that I think about it, she's incredibly classy too.
Yay Gwen Stefani, wife, mommy, singer, designer, absolutely successful woman!

I'm going to try to let go soon. I keep saying that. Let me just look one more time. Let me hear one more song. Just a little bit more, it feels kind of good... But it's just an obsession and it needs to end someday....:/

ANGST...but not teenage angst!

I'm just anxious. I'm hanging out with my dad. It's so awkward sometimes. It feels like he's not listening or he's on another page or he wants to say something but can't or is just waiting to say his bit. It's just really weird meshy. Idk, he's a Western doctor who went to med school in like the 70s. So I mean you already know he's a baby boomer generation right there and a doctor? and he's Jewish. I mean you just keep putting down points in the nerd category. socially awkward. but he's my dad so I hang out. He insisted I go to hatha yoga with him. I hate hatha. It's realllllllllllllllyyyyyyy slow and you just pretty much nap for an hour in a hot room. I like ashtanga. You move. I have ADHD. That H in there makes a hell of a difference. when my brain is moving (at any speed) my body has to move too. That urge and need to move is the hyper part. I cannot stop twitching/shaking my foot even as I fall a sleep I sort of rub them together. I'm a fucking mess off my Ritalin but at least I'm awake and gigglicious. But he pretty much Jew guilted me into going to hatha yoga with him. Then he wants to eat after. I really dont want to be out till like 9. And I have the nagging suspicion he's going to bring up the noise violation my house was accused of the first night before my finals. Some one peed in the green belt and MY HOUSE got blamed. I didn't even get to have the fun of being drunk and getting in trouble. NO. I was STUDYING like a good studious Jewish girl, painfully off my meds. (Since my doctor wont prescribe me short acting ritalin I only have the 12 hr stuff and I would rather not take it at all). Oh and I have to give him the receipt for my brake change...since I used his card. I paid for the oil change. There was no way I could afford brakes and I pretty much ground them down to nothing. :/

Yeah So I'm anxious.
I'm all hyper and pent up and anxious.
And there is a hungry caterpillar in my garden who is eating all my sweet pea leaves and spinach leaves away. It wont be long before he destroys my passion vine!! All I know is that he's fat and hungry and knows how to hide. I'm offering a reward for his head.

And I just want a job. I had better luck today. Tomorrow I'm going to drive around and hand back apps and resumes. Wish me luck.

Update:
It was frustratingly boring. I'm sorry but I cannot sit in one pose for 5 minutes and have my eyes closed. Rude Boy just starts playing in my head and my foot starts shaking and my brain goes "STFU RIHANNA" and Rihanna just keeps singing the chorus over and over and over...

And I just got in a fight with my boyfriend and I honestly feel like I didn't really do anything wrong.

God this night is fucking ridiculous. I really thought it would be better than this.

I haven't been happy lately but I can't tell if its because I want a job so bad or if it's because my boyfriend has been cranky with finals or if we're in a rough spot. Too many variables. I want to let the air clear and little and look at stuff. Feeling anxious and on edge lately is unacceptable. I hope summer helps. I think it will.

...always with the optimism.