Sickness before Death

Where do you turn
when you've given up self pity,
when you can't yet reach self improvement,
and you've massacred yourself and the one's you love the most?
What do you do
when you're ill-equipped to withstand emotional pain,
and you've given up translating it to corporeal pain?
How do you cultivate
self-discipline out of nothing,
and cowardice, begging and desperation are not beneath you?
Who do you lean on
when promises had never meant anything,
but suddenly you realize you can't even trust yourself?
Why do you try
when you feel like you've lost your mind
but you're told you've got it better than most?
Is this life or is this purgatory?


(self improvement isnt supposed to be so hard. im making it so difficult. i feel like im trapped in a maze i designed. all mazes are designed with an element of malice, to mislead the explorer. i was so proud of how intricate and beautiful it was that i decided to walk it myself. and now im lost. my pride led me astray. hoisted by my own petard at last.)

The reason I don't promise consistency

I totally forgot about this blog and found it on my formspring. WHOOPS.

If anyone cares or even still reads this blog, my garden is the shit.
I have just planted dahlias and a casablanca lily bulb. My calla lily has a bloom growing. Everything is beautiful and wet (it's drizzling). However there is little green (except for some early blooming tulips) and scarce color (some early passionflower blossoms). I can't wait for spring!!

Also, I had a couple strong margaritas while I was gardening and now I have a headache. I'm recouping with some weird anime recommended by Netflix (don't trust them).


Oh yeah. Speaking of my passionflowers. I've been growing them for a little over a year waiting for them to flower so I could get a tattoo on my foot. It's going to happen soon. :) I need to set up an appointment.

Also, I'm building an awesome giant orchid in ceramics. A piece inspired by Georgia O'Keefe.