Letters to an Ex-Lover Anthology: Unrest

My bed is like a prison
That I drag myself to each night,
Filled with a day's hope
That tonight might be alright.







It's been just over 2 months and almost every single night I wake up dreaming about him. It's so sad.
I dream that we're in a relationship together or just friends but things are never different. Sometimes things are better though, or at least neutral. Which is even more sad. I already know that and don't want anything from him. But my subconscious is bent on making me jaded and negative in my awake moments.

I just wish...that I could sleep without him there for once.

Letters to An Ex-Lover Anthology: Unloved

I hate you for making me believe
___you loved me
When it was so obvious you didn't.
And if that is the way you treat the ones
___you love
I don't want to be loved by
___you.



(underscores are used to preserve the printed form of the poem)

Letters to An Ex-Lover Anthology: Unique Moment

I stopped laughing and rolled over on the bed.
I looked serious, and seriously looked at you.
I said,
"I think I'm falling in love with you."
You said,
"I love you."




my heart just dropped.

My decision is made

but I keep finding myself asking whether this empty loneliness is any better.

Dream Garden

This is the creative process: here was the warm up.

It's a little bit like
homesickness,
Except I'm antsy,
and I already am
home.

It's like a little bit of
me died when
I pushed you,
out the door and
my life.

If we'd just worked a little bit,
if we this...
All I have is,
all you gave, not
enough.


Here is product after a warm up:

I dream of a garden
It has a nice view.
I dream of many vines
with flowers, pale blue.
I walk on tiles, barefoot,
tracking through the dew.
I tend my garden when
I bid Sun adieu.
There are citrus trees
and trees that Seuss knew.
I walk through in the night,
and morning too.
I find peace of mind and
more, like good juju.
I dream of a garden.
I invite all you.

I had a migraine, this helped a little bit though. Too many thoughts in my head at once.

Sleep is coming for me. I like being in the garden way more than running into Ray. I'm finally not dreaming of him as much or at least not remembering it. Relief is relief.

Letters to An Ex-Lover Anthology: Unable to Move, Unwilling to Stay

I am tormented by your memory.
It won't leave this place;
Like a ghost, your presence
Is unwelcome quintessence.

I lay my head on my pillow,
your smell, your face, your love, your hate,
I know I cannot escape.
I find it all in my dreamscape.

Please, I beg you, just tonight!
To leave me on my own,
Although I'm scared alone,
I'm more scared that I can't let go.

I hear the door, unlock, squeak and shut.
My heart jumps, Finally, you're home!
But then harsh, unforgiving reality
Mercilessly slams me back to this fatality.

I've only ever wanted you;
I just want YOU!
But you wouldn't give me your key.
You pushed me away, so I had to flee.

Struggling with Eros and Ire,
Who knows who will triumph.
I'm torn and recombinated like DNA
In a laboratory. It was all for you, Ray.

I'll be new, I'll transform.
Yes, we lost who we were.
And no, I'm better off alone.
Now help me. We must bury this bone.

Letters to An Ex-Lover Anthology: Ugly Bare Bones

I bared my soul to you.
I changed myself to fit into your life more easily.
My soul
Bare. Barer than bones.

Never been so disrespected

Ex wouldn't leave my house so I pushed him out the door (because when you are under 5'0 you cannot show 6'0 black belts any fear. they feed off fear) and he had the nerve to stick his foot in. He didn't pull it out (even after I slammed it twice) until I pulled out my cell to call the police.


However, there was a gem.
Last night's best quote: "HEY ASSHOLE." "Yeah?"

Thats right mother fucker. We're playing by my rules now.
Today I texted him about getting his shit out of the garage before I throw it away or burn it because if he calls the police I will have an eviction notice for him.
Here's an excerpt:
Speaking of mistakes, you left your mortar and pestle here which means you don't want it. So it's in the dumpster in case you change your mind.


Empower yourselves, women. Tell that douche bag that he did you wrong and you want him out. Then show him your beautiful lioness claws.

Back so Soon, My Dear

We meet again and I ask,
Has it been so long?
I've forgotten how comforting
your preternatural arms can be.
You're forbidden, but like Eve,
I cannot resist your beckon.
Scars are my reminders
Of the errors of my ways.
Here I am again, razor in hand,
Finding myself and fixing God's mistakes.


Written May 28th, 2010


NOTE:
October 2, 2011
I used to be a cutter. I'm not anymore. I grew out of it. Cutting myself is a.) not the same, doesn't help me the way it used to and b.) i really really don't want scars to remind me of this shit. The last thing I need is to look down at my lovely, curvy thighs and catch sight of pale pink lines screaming THIS WAS A MISTAKE AND SO WAS THE REASON IT HAPPENED.

Ode to Those Two

Brother and Sister.
You are my light and my joy.
I always love you.

A Higher Power

The gods look out for their children
As parents try to do the best for theirs.
Quietly they do our bidding,
sorting and answering our prayers.
You are empowered by yourself
Because they gave us free will.

Letters to An Ex-Lover Anthology: Unrequited

Unconditional love, it's all I can give.
Not once this year, did you think of me.
Reeling from the pain, I still want to give.
Everything you say has become a bold face lie.
Quickly, I packed your things,
Unwilling to suffer for you anymore;
I am not Jesus.
To the fates, I hand you, older and more wicked.
Eventually you will learn and heal.
Do you love you?

Regret

So, this is perfect for the season (Jewish new year). I am cleaning up my desk and I found this folded up.

It was written 9/11/11

If I died today, I'd walk away
With a basket full of regrets.
So, with a prayer that
Death sleeps through the night,
I walk down to the water.
Tonight's the night that I
Wash away my troubles
And let the river
Carry away my regrets.

The open box

Verbally laying/
down chalk lines, marking newly found/
boundaries. I'm free.





I used to be in a box.
Now I am drawing my own box however big I want.
And everyone else can stay out unless I let them in.
It's my box. All mine.

Nighttime Haiku

Et tu, Somnia?
You've left me to fend alone.
But you're all I want.


Also, I was wondering why i wasnt writing about my pain so much tonight. And i started reading through this blog...I realized I already wrote my pain out long ago. (and by long ago I mean, during 2011)


The one thing that makes me the saddest (not depressed though) is that we had such a good time for the first 2 years. Then something happened. It wasn't just me who noticed either. For the longest time (until just a day or two ago) I truly believed it was 95% me. But it wasn't. And I have no clue what happened to my ex. I feel sad because I failed to figure it out and help him. I know I need to get over that feeling (and I'm sure I will). But right now its hard to understand or forgive myself...Its hard not to believe that if I had just asked the right questions, I could have unlocked the real problem and helped. I feel like he's suffering (not just because of the relationship, but because of whatever happened to change him) and I never saw it and that I've missed my chance to help him. I dont want to see him in pain. I know there's an amazing guy in there...I just don't know where he went or why, and I'm somewhat tormented at night trying to figure it out. I'm not upset that I ended the relationship. It had to be done. I'm upset for what I believe was a failure on my part. I just need time to sort out my feelings and thoughts.

Also, a part of me wants so desperately for him to understand what I've been going through. I know that won't happen right now. I've accepted that. Another part of me so desperately wants to move forward like it was nothing and never let him see me hurt again. I think the second is more feasible at this point in time.
I am very relieved to have realized that no part of me wants vengeance. We were just two young adults trying to play house without actually knowing the rules and (emotional) rough housing happened and someone inevitably got hurt. There is no point in blaming anyone for this. It's just the way it happened and I can take away many good things and many many lessons. I do not think my time was wasted (although he thinks his was).
All I can say about that is that everyone has the prerogative to spend their time as they choose. No one forced anyone to stay. He chose to use his time the way he wanted. I did not waste it for him. Also, if he doesn't want to take anything away from this relationship except regret, that is his choice. I personally find regret to be much heavier luggage but he's a strong boy. I'm sure he can handle it. And its not like he's alone. He has friends too. And what are friends for but to help you carry your emotional baggage until you're tired of bringing it along.

Isn't it beautiful?

Now...Sleep brain, sleep. Otherwise I'm dosing you with 5 hour energy right before a drafting class.

Being Adult

Tripped, rolled, right back in
to stride. I'm going so fast and
far. Can't skip a beat.

8.30.11 Haiku

I'm getting better at blogging. Here's a haiku.

I remembered before the end of the year. Kudos to me.

Podcasts can be nice,
But put a record on, and
all move to the beat.

I'm buying a notebook. This is it. I'm having a bee put in the bottom left corner. I'm very excited. It'll help me write compulsively. I don't want to be consistent. I need obsession.
I made an amazing playlist with a bunch of my favorite songs to move to. I'm going to use it at work to make me a turbo cleaner.

This is one of the many projects I accomplished at work today.

(It says "Caterpillar Inn" and below that "$cuteness/nite")

Two new poems

Suffering inspires art.

Last Chance

"Last chance. No warnings," he
Aggressively barks at me, pain
Soaking his heart and words.
To me, he is all I ever need.

Change happens so slowly when
"Hurry" is all you can breathe.
Asphyxiating on my own lies,
No one can love him as much as I could.
Curses are self-inflicted.
Existence is meaningless without growth.


But suffering is not the only thing to lead to inspiration.
(Bee tee dubs this next one is draft uno. so don't judge because this is only 60% of a finished product)

Ode to Nature

Had you given us greenery to decorate a brown barren landscape, that would have been enough.
Had you given us flowers to bring color to the world, that would have been enough.
Had you given us perfume to engage another sense, that would have been enough.
Had you given us fruit to nourish our bodies, that would have been enough.
Had you given us seeds to continue the cycle, that would have been enough.



I'm not a wiccan. But I definitely worship nature.
Hmmm. I might be a neo-romanticist.

Sickness before Death

Where do you turn
when you've given up self pity,
when you can't yet reach self improvement,
and you've massacred yourself and the one's you love the most?
What do you do
when you're ill-equipped to withstand emotional pain,
and you've given up translating it to corporeal pain?
How do you cultivate
self-discipline out of nothing,
and cowardice, begging and desperation are not beneath you?
Who do you lean on
when promises had never meant anything,
but suddenly you realize you can't even trust yourself?
Why do you try
when you feel like you've lost your mind
but you're told you've got it better than most?
Is this life or is this purgatory?


(self improvement isnt supposed to be so hard. im making it so difficult. i feel like im trapped in a maze i designed. all mazes are designed with an element of malice, to mislead the explorer. i was so proud of how intricate and beautiful it was that i decided to walk it myself. and now im lost. my pride led me astray. hoisted by my own petard at last.)

The reason I don't promise consistency

I totally forgot about this blog and found it on my formspring. WHOOPS.

If anyone cares or even still reads this blog, my garden is the shit.
I have just planted dahlias and a casablanca lily bulb. My calla lily has a bloom growing. Everything is beautiful and wet (it's drizzling). However there is little green (except for some early blooming tulips) and scarce color (some early passionflower blossoms). I can't wait for spring!!

Also, I had a couple strong margaritas while I was gardening and now I have a headache. I'm recouping with some weird anime recommended by Netflix (don't trust them).


Oh yeah. Speaking of my passionflowers. I've been growing them for a little over a year waiting for them to flower so I could get a tattoo on my foot. It's going to happen soon. :) I need to set up an appointment.

Also, I'm building an awesome giant orchid in ceramics. A piece inspired by Georgia O'Keefe.