The Ranch

Speaking fondly of the ranch
One way I can pay tribute now.
The ranch was an entity of my identity.
The Lombardy poplars leading me
Home when I got lost
Deep starry nights and crisp clear skies
The train whistling when I went to sleep
Infinite treasures in native ruins
A stream with hot springs and geese
Peacocks crying in the willow tree
Stubborn ponies eating loco weed
Two and a half stories worth
of memories in the house
and a cellar of accumulated history
Radioactive lead plates, a mysterious tunnel and a secret journal
Typewriters, rotary phones, and painted china,
drumsticks in the freezer, beaded curtains, closets full of surprises,
pieces of paper wrapped in rubber bands on the desk,
knick knacks on bookshelves and oil paintings on the walls,
Grammi's tales and three playful dogs
for each playful child filling the living room
It was entertainment before dial up
Endless exploration in the house, on the ranch, through the states.
A picture, a price and a few pieces of stamped paper
Were an unjust estimation of worth.

Lifted Eye

Let me fly
And admire
The glory
Of your
Marred landscape

Water Prayer

Feet above my head
The waves toss me like seaweed
Take me out to sea

Desert Rat

The desert deserted
Beckons me
This is where I'm empty
This is where I'm free
This is home.

Disappearance

New beginnings mean much needed
Endings.
Close the book on those
Undeserving.
They don't get to know how
I'm doing,
My failures and least of all
My successes.

Hope Is Too Buoyant

Sometimes it's enough to write a letter I'll never send
But there are times when it's not enough and it never will be
And I force myself to sink back into the river of denial
To be swept away by the current
Cleansed of my sins
Praying this time I will finally drown
Only to wash up onshore downstream once more.

Faith

Because my worship always was
The bending of my knee
The doubling at my hips
The crest in my neck
When I bowed my head
To smell the flowers.

Pakistani mulberries growing in the streets of Jerusalem.

Pakistani mulberries growing in the streets of Jerusalem.

Small gifts of sweetness enriching each journey.

The abundance of life ripe, hanging, awaiting to be plucked.

Olive

Everything about love has already been said,
But I'd say it all again.

Flavor

It was something to taste
On my lips, rolling along my tongue,
And dribbling out my mouth:
The phrase "I'm gay."

Perpetual Issues

I looked into myself,
Gazed past the healed scars,
I reached deep within myself
And touched something raw.
I felt the wounds I thought I'd worked so diligently to heal;
I think now they may always fester
And only sink deeper, nearer to my soul.

(April '14)

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I let myself try a thing I haven't tried in a long time, but I wasn't ready, and it made me wonder if I ever would be.  

Chrysalis

No one ever said the transformation was easy.
No one ever said the butterfly never felt pain
As it moved from leaf to air.
Secretly coccooned, we walk each path alone,
Silently enduring our changes
To beauty and perfection.
Showcase the rebirth.
Spread your wings and fly freely.
6/10/2011




...and suddenly I'm on a runaway freight train loaded with emotional baggage and a tanker full of explosive accusations and self-doubt...
(Feb. 16, 2011)



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This is the part where I talk about my feelings:
I've been feeling like a lot's about to change in my life (which is why I felt like the Chrysalis poem was fitting to post today).  I'm about to move onto university and shortly after, hopefully, grad school.  I'm closing a (big) chapter of my life and it's very scary to move on.  It's also so very exciting.  It feels like I've been sleeping and my life is finally about to start.  My greatest fear is that I'll sabotage myself when I get there (which is why I've included the quote). (~5/11/2014)

Renewable Resources

Anxiety is defined as an earnest but tense desire, 
But I know better.
Anxiety is momentum.
Both an invisible force that drives you to great things,
And a palpable drive that forces you to invisibility.

Anxiety is thought gravity,
An unrestrained force of nature trapped between two ears.
It puts a supernova's weight onto a singular thought;
All other thoughts roll towards your new obsession
Adding weight,  increasing gravity, maximizing the pull.

Anxiety is a compulsion.
You strain against it to distract and beguile your mind
For a moment of peace in your own skin,
But it eventually culls your creativity and sensibility,
Browbeating once sane thoughts into the mass of fears.

Serious Lack of Motivation

The house is under construction and my life is upside down.  I'm a little butterfly in her cocoon waiting for the right moment to say "STEP ASIDE BITCHES MY TIME HAS COME".  But it's not now, not yet.  

So I'm lacking any serious motivation to do anything.  I'm waiting for my first choice college to send me an acceptance letter (rejection is not an option!!).  This is called visualization for all you newbs, you may also know it by its other name "delusional".  Also, I don't really have any hobbies and kinda havent in the last year (last semester ate everything that was extracurricular).  I lost two cats in five months (I'm a witch and they were my familiars).  So I'm feeling uninspired, unmotivated and not very magical.  So that's why I haven't written anything.  I've been taking an oral interpretation of lit class at school and it's been fun to perform other people's writing.  I've also been painting at least once a week with my watercolor pencils.  So I'm not completely uncreative.  

Mostly the little motivation I do have is prioritized and directed towards my school work.  So if anyone is still out there and still reads this blog, please be patient with me.  I want to come back to writing.  I just dont know how or when.