Hallowed

My friends fill my cup.

I am loved. 

I am sustained. 

I am full like my cup.

I live my life right. 

I walk my life with confidence.

I let love guide me.

I make no missteps.

I am steadied by the love from others.

I cannot be shaken.

I am assured.

I am a goat, sure-footed on rocky terrain.

I know what I want.

I do not settle for less.

I seek equanimity, good judgment and peace.

I do not know turmoil inside myself.

I am whole. 

I can be healed.

I am not so broken that I cannot put myself back together again.

I will not be shattered.

I have sustained myself through darker times again and again. 

I find peace even in turbulent waters.

I am buoyed by the love from others.

I sail through tempestuous waters 

Knowing that the stars above, behind the clouds, guide me and are ever present.

My instruments are accurate, and I am skilled.

Consecrated and uncomplicated,

Holy in the divine,

I love myself. 

An Urgent Truth

My propensity for self deceit has always been adept
So how can I trust my feelings in the past
Or even the ones I have now
Who's to say that I'm not deceiving myself again
How long this time will I force myself to wait
When I can see the truth
That I am struggling in the same ways I always have
And I find myself wondering
Did the caterpillar yearn so hard as I
When they saw a butterfly gliding and unshy
Because I find myself obsessed with a fantasy
And opportunity for it to become reality
And now each day is filled with activity
Frantically trying to find my way out
Of this constrictive cocoon

How do you know?

My body, notoriously disloyal
But how could I possible return with an act of betrayal
And am I wrong for internalizing like this
Perhaps this is my ticket to long awaited freedom
I smile when I imagine myself differently
How long do I have to wait
Before I say this is more than a passing thought
I wake up thinking about it
Fall asleep thinking about it
Dream all night about it
So how do I know?
How do I know?
How do I know?
How do I know myself?

No Tears Shampoo

I can't cry
Every time I get close
My face twists up into a grimace
Then a smile and relaxes
Though my chest tightens
And a solitary sob is clutched within my throat
Only released once
It has metamorphosed into laughter
For as long as I can remember
I've been this way
I remember being spanked
And my anguish escaped my body
As shrieking vowels of hysterical laughter
The authoritarian always felt
I was taunting them
And though I did not intend to mock
It felt like power
The only power I could hold above them
To laugh in the face of consequence
But my laughter rarely comes from
A place of true joy and mirth
And has mixed into a muddy brown
Of pain, fear, and ecstasy
That I smear on my life
To placate the emotional hunger
Of those around me
And though it has never failed to satisfy or provoke
It has always failed to convey my truth

Aegreo

I was once told that
death does not wait for us
to figure out how to live.
But what can be done for
those of us who have stumbled?
Are we left with only a shift
in our own perspectives?
Will it be enough?

Note to Self (Missed Connections)

Maybe I'll find the other people like me
when I get to grad school.
Or who knows.
Maybe I'm one of a kind
and I shouldn't strain my eyes so hard
looking for my duplicate.

Am I trans

If you are asking
I will just tell you right now
The answer is yes.

Fern Gully

I drove a railroad spike
Into my heart
In order to break the chainsaws
That tried to cut me down.

On Coming Out

So that I may start another year as myself

Note to Self (Make Room)

The world has a lot of love to give you.
Keep your heart open and let love flow out.
That will make space for their love to flow in.

Witch

I can feel my powers reawakening.

The Misery of Life

Life,
For all its pleasures,
Cannot be contained between two pages
Nor can I contain the sadness between
The two broken pieces of my heart.

52

So much of my time is spent trying to stack the deck 

So that the odds might be in my favor.

I build my house from the hand I was dealt;

And each time I have exhausted my efforts,

Finally creating some semblance of structure,

A gust of wind effortlessly knocks it down

And I am left to pick up the pieces

And try again. 

Note to Self (Stay Dead)

If you want him to be dead
You have to stop resurrecting him.
You hold the power to bring him back or let him rot
So let him rot.

Two Spirits

Made in the divine's image,

I am both; I am whole;

I am undivided;

I am divine. 

Kintsugi

There's a beauty in it

In being a survivor

I'm invincible

Kintsugi is the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum (Wikipedia).

It Shows

Wordless histories
There are novels in my scars
Origin stories

Olive

Everything about love has already been said,
But I'd say it all again.

Letters to an Ex-Lover Anthology: Aplomb

I know happiness at last.
I saw misery and left it in the past.
I persevered and found mental health,
Because no one can save you from yourself.





-----------------------------------
Everyday I doubt myself less and love myself more.

Alice's Haikus

If you had asked me
ten years ago whether I
would be here today,

I would act aloof
and maybe indignant too,
and I'd say, "Never there;"

And yet here I stand,
tending a secret garden,
chasing Caroll's dreams.

----------------------------------------
Sorry it's been such slow output.  I went from putting 125% of my energy into school straight into the garden.  It just happens to be 1:23 and I'm buzzed and listening to Kanye West.  So, you can imagine the state I'm in.  But in any case, what I wanted to say in this note is that I'm watching my poetry/style/subject material transform (albeit slowly, but transformation non-the-less).  It's scary and thrilling and mundane all at the same time.
Maybe I'll consider going to sleep now...who knows?  I certainly don't.