Exquisite

Purified the only way you can be
By the loss of your other half
Now you are one, only one, just al-one
This is the finest pain ever experienced
A closer look reveals exquisite insight
Into the origin of your humanity
There is no forgery

Charged

You left me to figure out it all 

I was just a kid and I didn't know how to make sense of my body betraying me 

And everyone insisting my sex came with expectations

And that my gender came with consequences

Close your legs. Pull up your shirt. You're going out in that?

You made me feel like my body

Was a crime and I was guilty

So I felt ashamed.

Home

She's just a difficult person to be involved with
You open up to her
And she tears the place apart
Hacking at any boundary that stands in her way
She doesn't know what she's looking for
But she'll know it when she finds it
And I'm afraid there'll be nothing left if she ever does

Sorry It's Been A While

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that it would
Start a chain of events that would
Isolate me further
But I just isolated myself instead

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that it would
Remind you how long it's been
Since I last reached out
So I just isolated myself instead

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that I would
Say the wrong thing and
Make a fool of us both
So I just isolated myself instead

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that you would
Offer help with good intention
And I would be ungracious
But I just isolated myself instead

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that I would
Ask for help and you'd refuse
And I would feel rejected
So I just isolated myself instead

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that I would
Accept the love around me
And it wouldn't be enough
So I just isolated myself instead.

Love Neglected

Why did you teach me to hate my body?
You shamed me young
For looking older
While older men leered
At me for the same reason.
I learned to resent my body through shame.
Then you taught me to hate your body,
The body I would grow into
While telling me to enjoy the stares now
Because you don't get those anymore.
You implied that a fat body
Is a body absent of value.
You never taught me how to love.

Wavering

I wouldn't need you
If I knew how to do it all
Perfectly from the start.
Cherish me in all my ways,
In each of my imperfections.
My inadequacy is your opportunity.

Note to Self (Make Room)

The world has a lot of love to give you.
Keep your heart open and let love flow out.
That will make space for their love to flow in.

The Ranch

Speaking fondly of the ranch
One way I can pay tribute now.
The ranch was an entity of my identity.
The Lombardy poplars leading me
Home when I got lost
Deep starry nights and crisp clear skies
The train whistling when I went to sleep
Infinite treasures in native ruins
A stream with hot springs and geese
Peacocks crying in the willow tree
Stubborn ponies eating loco weed
Two and a half stories worth
of memories in the house
and a cellar of accumulated history
Radioactive lead plates, a mysterious tunnel and a secret journal
Typewriters, rotary phones, and painted china,
drumsticks in the freezer, beaded curtains, closets full of surprises,
pieces of paper wrapped in rubber bands on the desk,
knick knacks on bookshelves and oil paintings on the walls,
Grammi's tales and three playful dogs
for each playful child filling the living room
It was entertainment before dial up
Endless exploration in the house, on the ranch, through the states.
A picture, a price and a few pieces of stamped paper
Were an unjust estimation of worth.