I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me

I am guilty of totally neglecting this blog as I do all my blogs of the past.  That's just who I am.  But I went REALLY long without neglecting so you have to give me that.  Also, I come back (some of my past blogs have not been so lucky and have been very very short lived).
Some of the reasons the blog got abandoned:

• I'm happy.
• I'm on meds again that I had abandoned for stupid reasons.  I feel much better on them.
• I'm in school and taking 5 classes (a heavy course load) which leaves less time for writing and editing.  I even enjoy the majority of my classes so it's not like I'm looking desperately to procrastinate (in class or at home with homework).
• Tumblr ate my life.

I figure, I should turn this into either a dream diary (which can be painfully boring to other people) or a writing exercise blog so at least I can get something out of it, if not my readers at the very least.  So I'm going with the latter.  I hope someone enjoys watching the creative process (it's an ugly dirty job).  First drafts always look like Quasimodo to me.  Enjoy my Quasimodo exercises!

Today is day one of exercises.  Let us see how long this lasts.  We can place bets to make this fun.  

*I'm googling for writing exercises and I will post a link to where ever I got the exercise.  If I make it up, I'll let you all know.*

Exercise 1

Prompt: Open your refrigerator (for real or in your mind) and look for an item you've never written about in there. Write a poem or a paragraph about one item in your fridge!

Practice: (10 minutes)

There are those delicious USDA organic red grapes.  They're grown here in 'Murika as I like to say, and are exclusively sold at Trader Joe's according to the sticker on the flimsy plastic crate they come in. However, the crate and its sticker are of no importance.  In fact, I don't glance twice at it when I pop open the crate to get at the juicy succulence inside.  It's those sweet berries that I want.  I didn't bother washing them the first time.  I didn't worry too much since they're certified organic.  I changed my mind about not washing them after a few berries though.  They're a bit gritty unwashed.  Although they look so pretty with their feral yeasts matting their skins.  I figure it's probiotic right?  And if microorganisms can live on it, it certainly won't be poisoning me.  But the best part about these grapes (like the crate) is what's inside, beneath the skin.  Sweet, juicy red grapes.  They're crunchy-crisp and squirt when you bite into them.  Every night, they're my midnight snack with some sliced Stilton.  

Great News For The Kingdom!

Whether or not future expansion takes place, the word is spreading.  My poetry has been published once again.  If you can, check me out in Tidepools 2012 when it's released in June!

Lovingly,
Your Queen

I Fell Off

I fell off the face of the earth, and I haven't quite crawled back.  I'm quite literally on a precipice of change.  I'm in the midst of some negotiations that have totally eaten my life.  Once they're done (pray for the Fool's Day), I will be back and hopefully writing (don't jinx this).  

Also, I saged my house the other day and rid it of demons.  

Yours truly,

Queen of Everything

I've Come Home

It's never simple,
It's never easy,
To change yourself,
And believe that you're really free.

But I made it
to the finish line.
My friends are here,
and all the glory's mine.




I AM VALKYRIE. I RIDE THE VALHALLACADE.

I realized this morning why I lost some mutual friends in "the divorce." We may have been mutual friends but they only ever saw me around Ray and I was a boring little accessory.
So if you're reading this and you never hung out with me one on one or away from my favorite parasite, you should give it a go. I'm pretty fucking awesome, if I do say so myself.

Also, my other attributes include being The Queen of Everything and Nature Princess. So if you like the idea of hanging out with aristocrats, I'm like the dirty version...literally the one who gets dirt under her fingernails and slogs through marshy patches for weird mushrooms specimens.

In other news though, I kept some of the best people I met through ray. SO suck on that. The roomies, Reeves, Jesse and even a bear chose to be free with me because I'm downright peachy keen.


I'm finally me again and I laugh all the time and tell myself I'm beautiful everyday. Finally, I believe I'm the hottest shit around. It feels so good to be self-confident again. You all should try it.
Lastly, life feels like love when you've found your passion. I found mine outside under the vast blue sky in gorgeous Southwestern California. :)

My decision is made

but I keep finding myself asking whether this empty loneliness is any better.

Nighttime Haiku

Et tu, Somnia?
You've left me to fend alone.
But you're all I want.


Also, I was wondering why i wasnt writing about my pain so much tonight. And i started reading through this blog...I realized I already wrote my pain out long ago. (and by long ago I mean, during 2011)


The one thing that makes me the saddest (not depressed though) is that we had such a good time for the first 2 years. Then something happened. It wasn't just me who noticed either. For the longest time (until just a day or two ago) I truly believed it was 95% me. But it wasn't. And I have no clue what happened to my ex. I feel sad because I failed to figure it out and help him. I know I need to get over that feeling (and I'm sure I will). But right now its hard to understand or forgive myself...Its hard not to believe that if I had just asked the right questions, I could have unlocked the real problem and helped. I feel like he's suffering (not just because of the relationship, but because of whatever happened to change him) and I never saw it and that I've missed my chance to help him. I dont want to see him in pain. I know there's an amazing guy in there...I just don't know where he went or why, and I'm somewhat tormented at night trying to figure it out. I'm not upset that I ended the relationship. It had to be done. I'm upset for what I believe was a failure on my part. I just need time to sort out my feelings and thoughts.

Also, a part of me wants so desperately for him to understand what I've been going through. I know that won't happen right now. I've accepted that. Another part of me so desperately wants to move forward like it was nothing and never let him see me hurt again. I think the second is more feasible at this point in time.
I am very relieved to have realized that no part of me wants vengeance. We were just two young adults trying to play house without actually knowing the rules and (emotional) rough housing happened and someone inevitably got hurt. There is no point in blaming anyone for this. It's just the way it happened and I can take away many good things and many many lessons. I do not think my time was wasted (although he thinks his was).
All I can say about that is that everyone has the prerogative to spend their time as they choose. No one forced anyone to stay. He chose to use his time the way he wanted. I did not waste it for him. Also, if he doesn't want to take anything away from this relationship except regret, that is his choice. I personally find regret to be much heavier luggage but he's a strong boy. I'm sure he can handle it. And its not like he's alone. He has friends too. And what are friends for but to help you carry your emotional baggage until you're tired of bringing it along.

Isn't it beautiful?

Now...Sleep brain, sleep. Otherwise I'm dosing you with 5 hour energy right before a drafting class.

The reason I don't promise consistency

I totally forgot about this blog and found it on my formspring. WHOOPS.

If anyone cares or even still reads this blog, my garden is the shit.
I have just planted dahlias and a casablanca lily bulb. My calla lily has a bloom growing. Everything is beautiful and wet (it's drizzling). However there is little green (except for some early blooming tulips) and scarce color (some early passionflower blossoms). I can't wait for spring!!

Also, I had a couple strong margaritas while I was gardening and now I have a headache. I'm recouping with some weird anime recommended by Netflix (don't trust them).


Oh yeah. Speaking of my passionflowers. I've been growing them for a little over a year waiting for them to flower so I could get a tattoo on my foot. It's going to happen soon. :) I need to set up an appointment.

Also, I'm building an awesome giant orchid in ceramics. A piece inspired by Georgia O'Keefe.

Gluttony...Lust...Greed...Slothfulness...Pride...

I slowly open the paper bag, the brown cellulose crinkling under my manicured fingers. I reach in, lifting out the glass jar. I gingerly unscrew the cap and raise the baby food jar up to my face. I shove my nose in and inhale.
COCAINE.
Just kidding.
Fruity vapors rush into my nostrils alerting every olfactory neuron that natural sugars are near. The flavor fills my mouth and then, pineapple. The label wasn't lying. It stinks to high heaven. And the hues run from orange to dark green. It's got half the rainbow on it, talk about eye catching. Besides that, it has a huge bush for a girl. And she's a firecrotch. She's glamorous. She's pineapple kush.




This was written a couple years ago in 2010 I think.

So I've been obsessing over Gwen Stefani

And I know it's bad. I have a total girl crush on her. Like a giant one. (but every girl has one girl celeb crush right?...so maybe I have more than one. Just be quiet! I'm trying to tell you something!) *I'm so ADHD right now. I just woke up. You'll have to excuse me.* Anyway, so I've been watching old music videos and admiring how beautiful she's gotten as she's aged. I don't know how she does it. She looked absolutely radiant when she was pregnant and usually you see a little wear on a woman. Or at least to me, she doesn't look sexy. But Gwen fucking pulled it off. She looked like a goddess or the Virgin or some shit. God she looks like an iconic figure. You could dress her up as the Virgin of Guadeloupe and there'd be worshipers. But yeah, she looked fine in the 90s but she's just wonderful now. She looks like the "right" Marilyn Monroe. You have to admit Monroe was pretty but there was little something off with her. Gwen Stefani-Rossdale is perfect. And she has that beautiful Italian mouth. I love her smile.
Now, let me talk about her voice. she has absolute control over. She can sing virtually any style but I know she likes ska and pop. It sounds like a bird. She can growl. She can put all her emotions into her song and then into you. It's like opening a little bottle of (isn't emotion of any of her songs). Let's take 4 In The Morning. That's like opening a bottle of ouch. End It On This is bittersweet in every sense. I have to admit, the members of no Doubt were pretty phenomenal to bring it all together. I think I like No Doubt better than Gwen Stefani's own albums but that's just because of the style and my personal preference.
She's so versatile. Now that I think about it, she's incredibly classy too.
Yay Gwen Stefani, wife, mommy, singer, designer, absolutely successful woman!

I'm going to try to let go soon. I keep saying that. Let me just look one more time. Let me hear one more song. Just a little bit more, it feels kind of good... But it's just an obsession and it needs to end someday....:/