Counterfeit

You can sustain the body
But when the soul flickers
When the soul is homesick for its nest
Away from this sensory coil
Our only consistency here is change and decay
I don't know where to find restoration
When I can't find rest, least of all in sleep where
My past will always find me
The fog and shadows played tricks
And outwitted my better judgment
Somehow I'm left with the counterfeit

Sleepy Haiku

Tonight, the steady

hum of frogs and crickets lulls

me gently to sleep.

Time's A 'Tickin'

Time’s A’Tickin’

5/30/06 (math class)

This constant, choking feeling torments me in my sleep.

While a never ending tightness makes it hard to breathe.

The unrelenting tick of that unrelenting clock

Moves its hands around the face, never to be stopped.

It has a care for nothing.  It dominates each life.

It starts and stops for no one.  It’s an unforgiving fight.

Some people say it’s helpful, but I can see it true.

You know it puts a time frame on when we will be due.

The date is set, that’s for sure, last moments will be known.

A lamenting cry for unstoppable time that chills me to the bone.

A stricter hand, I’ve never seen, nor more a flawless face.

One way down with a frown, my heart’s picked up the pace.

The day is short; the day is long.  Alas!  My moment’s here.

I say goodbye, adieu to life, but I'll always be a buccaneer.  

What Plagues Me In The Night

#1

They worm into my head through my eyes

When there is only black around them.

The sun shortens the day leaving me with myself.

Things I shouldn't think and things I shouldn't see

Burrow down into my mind and anchor their roots in my psyche.

I don't want anyone to know.

My mind is my secret.

Poison seeps into it at night,

And my own voice charges me to work at my perfection,

To draw my mind away from wear and tear of daytime.

Time is on my side; I have plans to execute.

Silence and grandeur are my unquestionable concepts,

Sacred tallies of my madness.

You'll never realize how far I've come.

#2

Nighttime

Yesterday, some nagging worries

Did devour my night.

Ferocious shadows lingered in the dark.

Pleading to a deity less real than ever,

I am a prisoner of my own vulnerability,

Trusting blankets to supply security,

Secretly knowing that the rot was

On the inside.

#3

Worse years settled,

Lately, I've been writhing on the bottom.

That's why I'd whisper vulgar words.

General cares always tempered the machines,

But when you're exhausting your existence furiously,

the slow laughter and silent voice of death

prove that quietus is a palpable expiration.

November 2008 

Letters to an Ex-Lover Anthology: Unrest

My bed is like a prison
That I drag myself to each night,
Filled with a day's hope
That tonight might be alright.







It's been just over 2 months and almost every single night I wake up dreaming about him. It's so sad.
I dream that we're in a relationship together or just friends but things are never different. Sometimes things are better though, or at least neutral. Which is even more sad. I already know that and don't want anything from him. But my subconscious is bent on making me jaded and negative in my awake moments.

I just wish...that I could sleep without him there for once.

Nighttime Haiku

Et tu, Somnia?
You've left me to fend alone.
But you're all I want.


Also, I was wondering why i wasnt writing about my pain so much tonight. And i started reading through this blog...I realized I already wrote my pain out long ago. (and by long ago I mean, during 2011)


The one thing that makes me the saddest (not depressed though) is that we had such a good time for the first 2 years. Then something happened. It wasn't just me who noticed either. For the longest time (until just a day or two ago) I truly believed it was 95% me. But it wasn't. And I have no clue what happened to my ex. I feel sad because I failed to figure it out and help him. I know I need to get over that feeling (and I'm sure I will). But right now its hard to understand or forgive myself...Its hard not to believe that if I had just asked the right questions, I could have unlocked the real problem and helped. I feel like he's suffering (not just because of the relationship, but because of whatever happened to change him) and I never saw it and that I've missed my chance to help him. I dont want to see him in pain. I know there's an amazing guy in there...I just don't know where he went or why, and I'm somewhat tormented at night trying to figure it out. I'm not upset that I ended the relationship. It had to be done. I'm upset for what I believe was a failure on my part. I just need time to sort out my feelings and thoughts.

Also, a part of me wants so desperately for him to understand what I've been going through. I know that won't happen right now. I've accepted that. Another part of me so desperately wants to move forward like it was nothing and never let him see me hurt again. I think the second is more feasible at this point in time.
I am very relieved to have realized that no part of me wants vengeance. We were just two young adults trying to play house without actually knowing the rules and (emotional) rough housing happened and someone inevitably got hurt. There is no point in blaming anyone for this. It's just the way it happened and I can take away many good things and many many lessons. I do not think my time was wasted (although he thinks his was).
All I can say about that is that everyone has the prerogative to spend their time as they choose. No one forced anyone to stay. He chose to use his time the way he wanted. I did not waste it for him. Also, if he doesn't want to take anything away from this relationship except regret, that is his choice. I personally find regret to be much heavier luggage but he's a strong boy. I'm sure he can handle it. And its not like he's alone. He has friends too. And what are friends for but to help you carry your emotional baggage until you're tired of bringing it along.

Isn't it beautiful?

Now...Sleep brain, sleep. Otherwise I'm dosing you with 5 hour energy right before a drafting class.

Too Many Confusing Cake Dreams

insomnia wakes me from my slumber.
I wander aimlessly searching for sleep.
With only a flame to guide me
And a glass of water to soothe
I am some how supposed to retrieve my goal
Ceaseless dreams and restlessness
dog my heels, snapping like wild ghosts.
here i lie, eyes wide open, dissecting the black void.
It is here that I acquaint myself with true boredom.