Dreaming

It no longer overwhelms me
I can hold it in my body
And let it consume me instead

Emergence

A dream is an egg
Incubating emotions
Before consciousness

Alice's Haikus

If you had asked me
ten years ago whether I
would be here today,

I would act aloof
and maybe indignant too,
and I'd say, "Never there;"

And yet here I stand,
tending a secret garden,
chasing Caroll's dreams.

----------------------------------------
Sorry it's been such slow output.  I went from putting 125% of my energy into school straight into the garden.  It just happens to be 1:23 and I'm buzzed and listening to Kanye West.  So, you can imagine the state I'm in.  But in any case, what I wanted to say in this note is that I'm watching my poetry/style/subject material transform (albeit slowly, but transformation non-the-less).  It's scary and thrilling and mundane all at the same time.
Maybe I'll consider going to sleep now...who knows?  I certainly don't.

Sleepy Haiku

Tonight, the steady

hum of frogs and crickets lulls

me gently to sleep.

Interred Haiku

The kind of sadness

that sinks deep into the eyes

and never wells up.  

Also, I'm dreaming of driving a lot at night again.  Always stopping along the way and meeting people (or running away from them).  But instead of driving on complex highways with merges and junctions and innumerable lanes...I drive on 2 lane highways over rolling hills with crops growing on either side.

I'm getting close to my destination.  

Dumbledore Works For UC Davis

So I dreamt it was September, and I, instead of UCSD, had returned to UCD.  I was in a dorm with all really nice girls this time (thankfully), and there were some dudes next door who were pretty cool.  I felt like maybe, just maybe, this could work this time.  

Then, it sort of turned into Rawhide Ranch where there were kids of all ages around and camp activities.  We had to form groups (that didn't include the majority of our dorms).  Me and my roommate found a couple other girls and this 6 year old girl who was adorable.  Then, we were all gathered for some announcements, and I was carrying the little girl and got in big trouble for it.  I did it again, because I forgot and got taken to the dean's office.  

He was a real dick and made me insane, and I started screaming about how I knew "how to get out of here" and "I could be in San Diego, even if I had to bike there, I could fucking do it," and he couldnt stop me.  I started screaming at him some more like a crazy person saying things like "you assholes don't have a counseling center,"  "no one is a real friend here," "I don't need you!  Other schools will have me," "you people suck balls," "you're going to do this over me carrying a kid?  You're crazy," and so on.  

So, he locked me in his office.  I took the opportunity to hide behind his couch under two blankets.  This was the beginning of my brilliant escape plan.  He came in, couldn't find me, and I bum rushed him and left.  So, he sent out an arrest warrant.  I removed the pane of glass so I could leave easily later.

Finally, Dumbledore gets back and throws me a miniature goodbye party with its own miniature unicorn that I got to ride.  We ate cake, and I left.  Dumbledore set up a rendezvous for me.  

Suddenly there was an unexpected knock on the door.  I hid, and Dumbledore magicked away the party, but it was only Lupin.  After he left, I jumped out the window, crawled along the outside of the building and jumped onto a flowering hill.  I ran, and ran, and ran, and ran, and ran until I found the 3 red cloaked figures waiting for me.  They took me away from UCD.  

From then on, I was on the streets trying to get back to San Diego without a bike, or money for that matter.  I found a white sheep dog, and he hung out with me.  We found this really dirty dock with dead snakes in it and live snakes all along the shore.  It was pretty creepy.  I found one snake that was black and white and like 30 feet long so I called over this snake dude.  He caught it but as he lifted it, the middle of the snake wrapped around my neck.  At first I panicked, and he shouted "fucking snake!  dammit," but then I relaxed, because I knew this dude was a snake handler and could unwrap the snake (which wasn't even squeezing that hard).  And he did and I was free.  I left the snake dock and woke up.

October 9, 2010

Desert Dream Preface

I dreamt last night. It connected a lot of places I've been dreaming about for the last few months, the hotel, my house, the desert, the roads, the caravans.

My mother was set up a the hotel, and there was a pastry convention going on, so I was killing two birds with one stone. Then I went to my dads place to talk to him before I set off home. There I picked up my cat and a dog named Lisa. She's a black boxer with a white chest. She's very amicable (never met this dog in real life) .
Anyway, I set off for the desert, driving the long complicated roads.

When I get there, the caravans have already arrived. Usually I see them on the way to the desert. They set up usually along the side of the road in like mini portable towns, like gypsies. Anyway, this time, they're at the desert tonight, and I let kitty and Lisa out of the suburban and get out to talk with people and start learning about the desert's secrets.

I can't figure out what everyone is doing there. I was drawn there. Theres something foreboding and ancient and hostile deep in the caves in the middle of this desert. And this desert isn't a Kalahari. It's more like our Californian deserts full of dunes....or like a nazca desert. It's got shrubs, and it's sorta rocky and reddish, and it has caves in the distance. 
Creatures lives or lived in those caves, and they're very deep, and I need to go inside and find out what it is.

The one time I did go in, I found an underground waterfall.  In the water at the top of the waterfall, there were stones that made a line pointing out across the top of the waterfall. If you stepped on the stones they turned red, yellow, or green. 

But I didn't go deep that night. I went to bed and when I woke up my dog was gone, and I searched and searched and searched for her. Then I had to leave, because I needed to get back home.  So I went home with only Kitty.  I was pretty sad.


I want to know whats going on!! Each night I hope that my dreams will explain a little more.



March 20, 2010






This is the preface to the other desert dream.  If you look at the tags, there is a desert tag and also a dream tag.  Click either one and find the Desert Dream post for the sequel.  

Runaway Dream

I dreamt that I ran away. I stole rays car and I drove across state lines. And i cried and played music and sang loudly and had to fill up and random gas stations.For once I had a driving dream where I wasn't stressed out about which bypass i was trying to get on. I was just driving away.Also I dreamt i got kfc and ate it. O.oI wasn't driving TO a place, i was driving AWAY from a place (what I once called home). Life's a little out of control lately (what with my school fiasco still totally up in the air). So we all know what this dream was about.I did miss kitty and a bed and hugs on tap and normal food.



June 31, 2011
 
I dreamt this while I was fighting with my ex and he was telling me it was my mistakes which led me to be rejected from university.  He was also telling me karma gave me the ear infection, complete fraud of my bank accounts, one hit and run and one rear-ending where I got minor whiplash (ALL of this was in one shitty month).  Idk, maybe some politicians deserve that, but a girl who's being brainwashed does not.  And I say girl because at the time I was not a woman.  Now you understand why running was the only solution my subconcious could find.

Letters to an Ex-Lover Anthology: Unrest

My bed is like a prison
That I drag myself to each night,
Filled with a day's hope
That tonight might be alright.







It's been just over 2 months and almost every single night I wake up dreaming about him. It's so sad.
I dream that we're in a relationship together or just friends but things are never different. Sometimes things are better though, or at least neutral. Which is even more sad. I already know that and don't want anything from him. But my subconscious is bent on making me jaded and negative in my awake moments.

I just wish...that I could sleep without him there for once.

Dream Garden

This is the creative process: here was the warm up.

It's a little bit like
homesickness,
Except I'm antsy,
and I already am
home.

It's like a little bit of
me died when
I pushed you,
out the door and
my life.

If we'd just worked a little bit,
if we this...
All I have is,
all you gave, not
enough.


Here is product after a warm up:

I dream of a garden
It has a nice view.
I dream of many vines
with flowers, pale blue.
I walk on tiles, barefoot,
tracking through the dew.
I tend my garden when
I bid Sun adieu.
There are citrus trees
and trees that Seuss knew.
I walk through in the night,
and morning too.
I find peace of mind and
more, like good juju.
I dream of a garden.
I invite all you.

I had a migraine, this helped a little bit though. Too many thoughts in my head at once.

Sleep is coming for me. I like being in the garden way more than running into Ray. I'm finally not dreaming of him as much or at least not remembering it. Relief is relief.

Too Many Confusing Cake Dreams

insomnia wakes me from my slumber.
I wander aimlessly searching for sleep.
With only a flame to guide me
And a glass of water to soothe
I am some how supposed to retrieve my goal
Ceaseless dreams and restlessness
dog my heels, snapping like wild ghosts.
here i lie, eyes wide open, dissecting the black void.
It is here that I acquaint myself with true boredom.

So I visited the dream desert last night

and I went into the caves in the desert...And they were the caves of these ancient monks and there was like broken pottery and shit. like big vases and stuff that was kind of cool...but I kept going deeper into the cave until I reached a dead end. It looked like the tunnel continued but was blocked off. There was a little hole about 5 inches in diameter a little bit above my head to the left. So I put my hand in the hole...I dont know why. I just did. And I brought out three treasures. I can't remember the first two but the last one was a golden conch shell...And then blood started dripping out of the hole...

This desert I'm talking about, I've been dreaming about it for months. I dont know where the fuck it is but for weeks I just spent my nights driving to it. Its really kind of wigging me out now. Its a really creepy ancient desert. It feels like its alive and really old and going to kill you if you make the wrong move. And i go to it almost every single night. Its kind of a reddish desert with caves and hills and shrubs. Not a lot of cactus. mostly tumble weeds and shrubs and reddish dirt and boulders...It feels like dinosaurs died there or something.

I feel like its a real desert somewhere and I'm all astral projecting on it at night. Lol. Nighttime travels.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME LASSIE??