Counterfeit

You can sustain the body
But when the soul flickers
When the soul is homesick for its nest
Away from this sensory coil
Our only consistency here is change and decay
I don't know where to find restoration
When I can't find rest, least of all in sleep where
My past will always find me
The fog and shadows played tricks
And outwitted my better judgment
Somehow I'm left with the counterfeit

Consent

My first word was No
And ever since they have been
Trying to undo

Dybbuk

Seems like my grief and insecurities
Like to rest in the shadows
And creep out at night like hungry ghosts
I've been feeding them so long
Scraps of me like the sadness when
He chipped me into pieces to feed his own
Or sometimes big chunks of festering anger
For repeated abuses from someone
Who's've gone hungry too long
There are weeks here and there
When mine go hungry too
But then they feed on the ampleness in me
And I am diminished and they, replenished
And I am a hungry ghost too.

Home

She's just a difficult person to be involved with
You open up to her
And she tears the place apart
Hacking at any boundary that stands in her way
She doesn't know what she's looking for
But she'll know it when she finds it
And I'm afraid there'll be nothing left if she ever does

Empty

I woke up that morning
And rolled over onto you
And I remember feeling
Absolutely nothing for you
When three years before
I felt too much and
Could only beg to feel less

No Tears Shampoo

I can't cry
Every time I get close
My face twists up into a grimace
Then a smile and relaxes
Though my chest tightens
And a solitary sob is clutched within my throat
Only released once
It has metamorphosed into laughter
For as long as I can remember
I've been this way
I remember being spanked
And my anguish escaped my body
As shrieking vowels of hysterical laughter
The authoritarian always felt
I was taunting them
And though I did not intend to mock
It felt like power
The only power I could hold above them
To laugh in the face of consequence
But my laughter rarely comes from
A place of true joy and mirth
And has mixed into a muddy brown
Of pain, fear, and ecstasy
That I smear on my life
To placate the emotional hunger
Of those around me
And though it has never failed to satisfy or provoke
It has always failed to convey my truth

I Know The Way

I've been to hell and back
Enough times to know the way by heart
I know the demons, now old friends
For me, they create assarts
I know very well the way to hell
And better yet, I know it back
And the next time I bring you with me
I'll never bring you back

Risen

I planned your death a thousand times
How I would peel back your skin
And dig for an apology that is buried somewhere inside
Better lock me up, I think you knew
I am your danger as long as I live
Say you're too scared to act with love
But you didn't know fear until you saw me awake
In full understanding of your brutality
For years I never saw the light of day
And suddenly I was the sun
Risen to scorch your earth and feed a new life
You cut me at the base
And I bloomed with impunity despite this

Garden Wall

You had me twisted up like a vine hungry for light
I never realized you lead me in circles
Until I woke up one day and took account of my tendency to spiral
And I saw you had tied me to a trellis
You cut me and you cut my bloom
And still I bloomed in spite of this
But you never tended me beyond your convenience
So I scattered myself over the garden wall
To grow in some greener pastures
Or even between two slabs of concrete
Anywhere but in that wretched garden
And I escaped you again

Aphasia

There are no words in the English language that adequately express the turmoil of trauma or the emotional storms that fill its sails. My terror has always left my mouth as shrieks and giggles.

Birthday Bruja

On the anniversary of their birth
In the throes of consciousness

Get Out

You don't know what it's like to have someone you don't want inside of you
And to never be able to get all of them out of you

Boy Bye

I escaped you
And I'll dance at your funeral
Dressed in black
I'll be spinning widdershins
Undoing everything you ever did
I guarantee my memory will outlast yours
You won't be forgiven
But you will be forgotten

Memory Games

Five years trying to forget what you did to me

But I can't forget so I'm emptying myself 

Of your plentiful poisons instead

I'm just afraid not to feel anything

At all, even anger, when I'm done with this

When I left you, you told me, ironically,

You wanted to marry me

But honestly, I can't think of anything worse

Than being locked in your prison

Until death, probably mine, do we part 

I realized I would never 

Beat you at your own game

I realized, too, that I had already lost

So long before that moment

And I left you

And I will leave you again and again

Dropping memories of you like bread crumbs. 

Sorry It's Been A While

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that it would
Start a chain of events that would
Isolate me further
But I just isolated myself instead

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that it would
Remind you how long it's been
Since I last reached out
So I just isolated myself instead

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that I would
Say the wrong thing and
Make a fool of us both
So I just isolated myself instead

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that you would
Offer help with good intention
And I would be ungracious
But I just isolated myself instead

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that I would
Ask for help and you'd refuse
And I would feel rejected
So I just isolated myself instead

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that I would
Accept the love around me
And it wouldn't be enough
So I just isolated myself instead.

Cut Me Down

Cut me down
Scream at me
Flecks of spit
Hit my face
As you flail
Your arms wildly
And shove an accusatory
Finger in my face
Just like my daddy used to
And I look up at you
With love in my eyes
And apologies on my lips

Warning

Why didn't you warn me?!
That they'd be cruel to people like us!
They got to me first
And now I hate us both.

I Thought I Knew

I thought I knew what love was
When you told me that
You're doing this for
My own good
I was misinformed

Beneath You

You put the anger in me
And now I am no longer meek
I can be a monster just like you

Over Easy

Now I'm cracked again
And the illness has seeped in once more
And honestly I'm angry at you
Because you were the one who dropped me first
And you dropped me again most recently
I don't know why I let you hold me anymore
Perhaps it's because most times you don't drop me
And it's easy to forget you've been dropped
When someone's strong and gentle hands are clasped around your shell
It's hard to see the butter smeared on your fingers
Or to smell the toast in the toaster
Or the hot oil on the skillet
When you're safe inside your shell