Counterfeit

You can sustain the body
But when the soul flickers
When the soul is homesick for its nest
Away from this sensory coil
Our only consistency here is change and decay
I don't know where to find restoration
When I can't find rest, least of all in sleep where
My past will always find me
The fog and shadows played tricks
And outwitted my better judgment
Somehow I'm left with the counterfeit

Safe Spaces

Why am I responsible
For finding a comfortable space
In a system that
Doesn't even think I exist

Intimate

This was supposed to be my sanctuary
It was built on fault lines and rotten wood
But it was mine and I called it home
But lately it has conspired to
Evict the soul inside of it
To empty itself of its life force
And crumble into ash
My body promised my soul at conception
"In sickness and in health,
Til death do us part"
I don't understand why it insists on
Choosing the soil in a grave over me
It is the most intimate betrayal

In the Hole

Depression traps a bully inside your skull
And locks your heart outside the room
And begs your fingers to tear away
At the smallest pieces of yourself
In an effort to disappear into thin air unnoticed
It destabilizes all your values and plans
And dismantles your identities
Until there's nothing left of you
And I feel myself slip away

Cleave

Stooped down to examine the unconsidered
Moving through the open mouth of the rat
I saw my pain designed
I was spectator and architect
Dropped into the lake of restoration
Knowing full well an elixir will never satisfy
Beasts and demons of chronic debilitation
A disorder demanding transformation
I am its subject
Too broken to remember restitution
Don't know where the platform disembarks
When I am a member of myself
And I can't dissolute.

Sorry It's Been A While

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that it would
Start a chain of events that would
Isolate me further
But I just isolated myself instead

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that it would
Remind you how long it's been
Since I last reached out
So I just isolated myself instead

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that I would
Say the wrong thing and
Make a fool of us both
So I just isolated myself instead

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that you would
Offer help with good intention
And I would be ungracious
But I just isolated myself instead

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that I would
Ask for help and you'd refuse
And I would feel rejected
So I just isolated myself instead

Sorry for not reaching out sooner
I was just scared that I would
Accept the love around me
And it wouldn't be enough
So I just isolated myself instead.

Over Easy

Now I'm cracked again
And the illness has seeped in once more
And honestly I'm angry at you
Because you were the one who dropped me first
And you dropped me again most recently
I don't know why I let you hold me anymore
Perhaps it's because most times you don't drop me
And it's easy to forget you've been dropped
When someone's strong and gentle hands are clasped around your shell
It's hard to see the butter smeared on your fingers
Or to smell the toast in the toaster
Or the hot oil on the skillet
When you're safe inside your shell

Curly

I was raised
Indoctrinated in capitalism
Taught to measure my worth
By my rate of production
But never supplied with an abled body
I learned to play in pain
To normalize the broken parts of me
In order to survive in a society
With no space for the unproductive
Never supplied with an allistic mind
I struggled to shutter my thoughts
To focus on a single concept
Rather than a concept's singularity
When my intuition compelled
My interdisciplinary tendencies

Aegreo

I was once told that
death does not wait for us
to figure out how to live.
But what can be done for
those of us who have stumbled?
Are we left with only a shift
in our own perspectives?
Will it be enough?

Bilingual

The stomach is the body's mind,
A second brain so to speak.
I'm certain it knows more than I do.
If only my primary brain and stomach
Were more fluent in each other's language,
I'm sure I would be better for it.

A Radical Act

Don't you see?
To love nature is an act of self love;
She can love us better than we can.

Am I trans

If you are asking
I will just tell you right now
The answer is yes.

On Coming Out

So that I may start another year as myself

Swimming

Three years and I've pried probably
nine out of ten of your fingers
from their vice-like grip around my soul.
You used to choke me, physically and spiritually,
but I held my breath.  And now at twenty five,
my breath only ever catches
when I stumble on your memory.

Note to Self (Make Room)

The world has a lot of love to give you.
Keep your heart open and let love flow out.
That will make space for their love to flow in.

Autobiography

Perhaps the only place a soul's life history
     could be told would be in poetry.
To be explicit, to be literal about me
     is to be truthful superficially,
But too much abstraction, telling it metaphorically
     is a story told artificially.

My whole life I've been a writer,
     and as you can see here, also a rhymer.
Poetry and writing allow me to life decipher,
     acting as designer and healing as survivor.
Creating forces me to ascend above transcriber.
     I enlighten, I live, I am wiser.

L'Chaim

A bit of bismuth
Essence of enzymes
A milliliter of milk thistle
A year of yoga
A gram of ginger

A cap of cannabis

A pill of probiotics

A cup of chamomile
A sip of simethicone
A dab of dicyclomine
And a mouthful of menthol
All cheers to my unreliable health.