Swimming

Three years and I've pried probably
nine out of ten of your fingers
from their vice-like grip around my soul.
You used to choke me, physically and spiritually,
but I held my breath.  And now at twenty five,
my breath only ever catches
when I stumble on your memory.

Witch

I can feel my powers reawakening.

Autobiography

Perhaps the only place a soul's life history
     could be told would be in poetry.
To be explicit, to be literal about me
     is to be truthful superficially,
But too much abstraction, telling it metaphorically
     is a story told artificially.

My whole life I've been a writer,
     and as you can see here, also a rhymer.
Poetry and writing allow me to life decipher,
     acting as designer and healing as survivor.
Creating forces me to ascend above transcriber.
     I enlighten, I live, I am wiser.

Mazes

(11/18/2015)
Why is coming out such a process?
An unending, continuous process?
One that never seems to get easier no matter how much practice you've had or how many times you've done it?

I'm sorta in the closet.  Sorta not in the closet.  To some people I'm out.  To others I'm closeted.  Feels like lying by omission.  Feels shitty…
But there's so many barriers (not even including fear) to knock down to get out of the closet.  Saying "in the closet" implies there is only one door, without a lock, to be opened.  Then you step out and it's just that simple.  But it's so not like that at all.   It's many doors that are often locked.  You find yourself crawling out windows you stumbled across in the maze.  You learn to be an expert lock pick.  You draw maps in your mind with explicit protocols on how to escape.
It's uncomfortable.  It's like being stuck in chrysalis.  You know you've transformed into something better, but how do you get out?  Where is the seam?  Where is the weak point through which you'll force yourself?  Force… That's exactly what it is.  You push and prod but rarely do you cajole.  I can't seem to be that tender or nurturing with myself.  I am too preoccupied with remembering my map and how to pick locks…

Chrysalis

No one ever said the transformation was easy.
No one ever said the butterfly never felt pain
As it moved from leaf to air.
Secretly coccooned, we walk each path alone,
Silently enduring our changes
To beauty and perfection.
Showcase the rebirth.
Spread your wings and fly freely.
6/10/2011




...and suddenly I'm on a runaway freight train loaded with emotional baggage and a tanker full of explosive accusations and self-doubt...
(Feb. 16, 2011)



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This is the part where I talk about my feelings:
I've been feeling like a lot's about to change in my life (which is why I felt like the Chrysalis poem was fitting to post today).  I'm about to move onto university and shortly after, hopefully, grad school.  I'm closing a (big) chapter of my life and it's very scary to move on.  It's also so very exciting.  It feels like I've been sleeping and my life is finally about to start.  My greatest fear is that I'll sabotage myself when I get there (which is why I've included the quote). (~5/11/2014)

When you can't find any words to tell your own story...

I Rarely Do This

But I wanted to show you one of the places I draw inspiration from.

Kai Davis is who I wish I could be.  And this particular video is what I have felt the last two days.

He thought he escaped my gaze.  I planted my sickle in his throat and uprooted his head.  King cobras always fall victim to charms.  

A Brief Letter To The Villain

Dear Evil-Doer,
The short and short of it is that I am awesome now and I probably don't need you.
I'm busy finding happiness.  I don't I have time for the drama you'd bring.
Do you know what character you played in my story?  The villain.
You don't just waltz into my kingdom and think you can stay in it.  Not while I'm Queen.
Worst Regards,
Queen of Everything


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I think people are just stupid. It's hard having a brain, but I suppose it's hard to be stupid and know you're not gonna make it past Hair dresser.  I really do try to have compassion, but when they all start grating on my nerves at once, I start dreaming of Idiocracy, and I just lose it.  Then I start thinking about Huxley's Brave New World, and my inner human rights activist heads for the hills.  It's just all around bad news bears.

The Queen's Song

And I take one thing from this.
Let's reminisce.

When you're holed up,
When you're closeup,
You're the Queen's cup.
Get a feel up.
Gotta re-up.

Take some time to
Feel better.
You just want him
to want you.
Just want him 'cause
He wasn't for you.

Sometimes you gotta
Breathe deep,
Get a little sleep,
Avoid a creep,
Just play the sheep.

And whatcha gonna do
When they come for you
Making ballyhoo
about your peer review.
Stay tried and true.

Come down to the wire.
Bring you're brightest fire.
I ain't no liar,
When I'm the crier,
Times are dire.




More to come on this one too.
(First line begins after the first rowr!)
It's to be rapped to Ratatat's "Wild Cat"

Writing lyrics to Ratatat songs is really really hard but when it happens, its rewarding.

Hot House

Washington is on the loose...

OUT of retirement, he and 81 Year old Benjamin Franklin wrought havoc at the Philadelphia Convention in 1787. The hot house rose temperatures and tempers. Arguements about replacing the Articles of Confederation turned violent when Washington threw his chair into the crowd declaring "I AM CHAIRMAN! FEAR MY CHAIR!" Benjamin Franklin giggled like giddy old men do and clapped his hands before wincing from rheumatism and arthritis. James Madison got up with his frilly pink quill, one hand on his hip, and declared "Now boythhh, thith ith no way to behave!!"
Alexander Hamilton turned on him wide eyed and declared "GAY!" The following scene seemed like the inspiration for the Salem Witch Hunts. James Madison was burned at the stake in the court house while there were accusations of homosexuality. At one point, even George Washington was accused. Angrily, he jabbed his finger at his accuser and declared, "Only a gay would accuse such a macho man as I of being a homo-hom-homo-SEXUAL! YOU ONLY WANT ME TO BE GAY!!! I HAVE A WIFE AND SHE'D BITCH SLAP YOU FOR ME!"
His accuser gasped then bitch slapped Washington yelling something along the lines of "YOUR WIFE IS A WHORE." Then ran off crying.
Before long, near-by townspeople heard the ruckus and knowing there must be something interesting happening at the court house, grabbed their torches and pitchforks because one never attends to a mob session without weapons with a long wooden handle. They forked all who got in their way. A path of corpses and burnt houses was left in their seething wake. If someone looked at them and was of the same sex, he was soon burned at the pire.
Many ended up wearing blind folds running in circles screaming "HOMOSEXUAL!"
Some southerners made posters "God Made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve"

After several hours of melee, all was quelled when someone started tossing around the ol' pigskin, and all men joined in knowing "Gays can't play football, Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, would smite them." (Bob Haystacker, 48) "I can smell a queer but everyone's playin' with the pigskin so..."

The Articles of Confederation and the first draft of the Constitution were unfortunately burned along with a few queers and straights. However, it wasn't long before the delegates decided that the constitution should be simple.
"Why don't we just rule the country like football? Anyone we don't like should be tackled and have his legs broken," suggest Edmund Randolph.

Thus here is our country today.


or at least that would make history a WHOLE lot more interesting...








That's a piece of work I cooked up when I was probably 16. It had to have been during a period when I was studying some bullshit textbook about our American History. Obviously I got bored and wrote my own, more exciting version of how our documents came to be. Every bit of this piece is purposeful. I do believe it is 98% done. (To a writer, very rarely is a piece ever truly finished. It's only put out for the public because "I guess it's good enough...") I wouldn't call it subtle but I still get a laugh out of it.

Salvia divinorum, the legal drug.

So I went down to my local apothecary, and I picked up a gram of organic 20x salvia. What I got was a small plastic vial, which is filled with black torn up leaves.
It is scary. I had no visions. There were no planes or waving flags, rivers or drinkable paths. It was like I was being sucked into a world inside my head. Like I was inside my body but no longer in touch with it at all. It's a very queer and uncomfortable feeling. It's scary to let go and hope your body, without your brain, will remember to breathe. And I never actually disappear or black out. I keep breathing too. But its almost like I forget as soon as I think. It's like I no longer have a brain to think with and I can only receive information but not process it.

I found myself laughing on my second hit, mostly because I was slurring, there was a camera, and I was nervous. The laughing became real laughs and then a fit. I almost peed myself so I ran to the bathroom trusting that my body would remember the path that I had run in the pitch black of the middle of the night so many times before. I made it to the toilet and even managed to put the seat down. Suddenly I found myself sitting on the toilet with my pants down. I stand up and look beneath me. Hm. I think I was peeing. I pull up my pants and flush. I pull them back down because I find myself standing in the bathroom. I must be here for a reason. Maybe I need to pee. I sit back down. No. This isn't right. I don't have to pee. I stand back up and pull my pants back up. I stop, questioning my actions then continue. I forget to wash my hands and walk right back to the bed.


THAT IS NOT AN EXPERIENCE I WANT TO HAVE WHEN I AM USING RECREATIONAL DRUGS. this shit is weird. It wears off fairly quickly but you also get a tingly feeling all over your body. It doesn't feel nice tingly, it's annoying tingly. I also feel like my eyes don't work quite right on it. It is incredibly intoxicating but not at all addictive. Salvia is weird man. I wanted to try it to know what it was but fuck, this shit is weird. Why bother! I do not regret taking it. I just don't think I'll try it ever again. The vial is still almost completely full. It's a little bit ridiculous. I'm not sure what I'll do with it yet.

Update:
I watched the video that I took. When I went to the bathroom you hear me in a gigglefit. It goes quiet then again laughing and I remark "This is crazy!" I walk back into the room, stand there confused for a moment then decide that the bed was an adequate perch. Quote: "Everything is cray-zay. I can't handle-I can't handle it right now. PFWAHHHAHAHAhA" I had to keep trying say "apples for dinner. spaghetti." Apples and spaghetti as words, apparently, do not mix. It had all the best sounds in it for my malfunctioning mouth. "I can't even handle myself right now. I hope this isn't it reacting to Ritalin. That'd be crAAAzy. This must like what it is to be crazy. I feel like a retarded kid."

Best quote for a description: "I feel myself trying to leave. I know what people are talking about." *very slurred*