Hot House

Washington is on the loose...

OUT of retirement, he and 81 Year old Benjamin Franklin wrought havoc at the Philadelphia Convention in 1787. The hot house rose temperatures and tempers. Arguements about replacing the Articles of Confederation turned violent when Washington threw his chair into the crowd declaring "I AM CHAIRMAN! FEAR MY CHAIR!" Benjamin Franklin giggled like giddy old men do and clapped his hands before wincing from rheumatism and arthritis. James Madison got up with his frilly pink quill, one hand on his hip, and declared "Now boythhh, thith ith no way to behave!!"
Alexander Hamilton turned on him wide eyed and declared "GAY!" The following scene seemed like the inspiration for the Salem Witch Hunts. James Madison was burned at the stake in the court house while there were accusations of homosexuality. At one point, even George Washington was accused. Angrily, he jabbed his finger at his accuser and declared, "Only a gay would accuse such a macho man as I of being a homo-hom-homo-SEXUAL! YOU ONLY WANT ME TO BE GAY!!! I HAVE A WIFE AND SHE'D BITCH SLAP YOU FOR ME!"
His accuser gasped then bitch slapped Washington yelling something along the lines of "YOUR WIFE IS A WHORE." Then ran off crying.
Before long, near-by townspeople heard the ruckus and knowing there must be something interesting happening at the court house, grabbed their torches and pitchforks because one never attends to a mob session without weapons with a long wooden handle. They forked all who got in their way. A path of corpses and burnt houses was left in their seething wake. If someone looked at them and was of the same sex, he was soon burned at the pire.
Many ended up wearing blind folds running in circles screaming "HOMOSEXUAL!"
Some southerners made posters "God Made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve"

After several hours of melee, all was quelled when someone started tossing around the ol' pigskin, and all men joined in knowing "Gays can't play football, Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, would smite them." (Bob Haystacker, 48) "I can smell a queer but everyone's playin' with the pigskin so..."

The Articles of Confederation and the first draft of the Constitution were unfortunately burned along with a few queers and straights. However, it wasn't long before the delegates decided that the constitution should be simple.
"Why don't we just rule the country like football? Anyone we don't like should be tackled and have his legs broken," suggest Edmund Randolph.

Thus here is our country today.


or at least that would make history a WHOLE lot more interesting...








That's a piece of work I cooked up when I was probably 16. It had to have been during a period when I was studying some bullshit textbook about our American History. Obviously I got bored and wrote my own, more exciting version of how our documents came to be. Every bit of this piece is purposeful. I do believe it is 98% done. (To a writer, very rarely is a piece ever truly finished. It's only put out for the public because "I guess it's good enough...") I wouldn't call it subtle but I still get a laugh out of it.