Nighttime Haiku

Et tu, Somnia?
You've left me to fend alone.
But you're all I want.


Also, I was wondering why i wasnt writing about my pain so much tonight. And i started reading through this blog...I realized I already wrote my pain out long ago. (and by long ago I mean, during 2011)


The one thing that makes me the saddest (not depressed though) is that we had such a good time for the first 2 years. Then something happened. It wasn't just me who noticed either. For the longest time (until just a day or two ago) I truly believed it was 95% me. But it wasn't. And I have no clue what happened to my ex. I feel sad because I failed to figure it out and help him. I know I need to get over that feeling (and I'm sure I will). But right now its hard to understand or forgive myself...Its hard not to believe that if I had just asked the right questions, I could have unlocked the real problem and helped. I feel like he's suffering (not just because of the relationship, but because of whatever happened to change him) and I never saw it and that I've missed my chance to help him. I dont want to see him in pain. I know there's an amazing guy in there...I just don't know where he went or why, and I'm somewhat tormented at night trying to figure it out. I'm not upset that I ended the relationship. It had to be done. I'm upset for what I believe was a failure on my part. I just need time to sort out my feelings and thoughts.

Also, a part of me wants so desperately for him to understand what I've been going through. I know that won't happen right now. I've accepted that. Another part of me so desperately wants to move forward like it was nothing and never let him see me hurt again. I think the second is more feasible at this point in time.
I am very relieved to have realized that no part of me wants vengeance. We were just two young adults trying to play house without actually knowing the rules and (emotional) rough housing happened and someone inevitably got hurt. There is no point in blaming anyone for this. It's just the way it happened and I can take away many good things and many many lessons. I do not think my time was wasted (although he thinks his was).
All I can say about that is that everyone has the prerogative to spend their time as they choose. No one forced anyone to stay. He chose to use his time the way he wanted. I did not waste it for him. Also, if he doesn't want to take anything away from this relationship except regret, that is his choice. I personally find regret to be much heavier luggage but he's a strong boy. I'm sure he can handle it. And its not like he's alone. He has friends too. And what are friends for but to help you carry your emotional baggage until you're tired of bringing it along.

Isn't it beautiful?

Now...Sleep brain, sleep. Otherwise I'm dosing you with 5 hour energy right before a drafting class.