Serious Lack of Motivation

The house is under construction and my life is upside down.  I'm a little butterfly in her cocoon waiting for the right moment to say "STEP ASIDE BITCHES MY TIME HAS COME".  But it's not now, not yet.  

So I'm lacking any serious motivation to do anything.  I'm waiting for my first choice college to send me an acceptance letter (rejection is not an option!!).  This is called visualization for all you newbs, you may also know it by its other name "delusional".  Also, I don't really have any hobbies and kinda havent in the last year (last semester ate everything that was extracurricular).  I lost two cats in five months (I'm a witch and they were my familiars).  So I'm feeling uninspired, unmotivated and not very magical.  So that's why I haven't written anything.  I've been taking an oral interpretation of lit class at school and it's been fun to perform other people's writing.  I've also been painting at least once a week with my watercolor pencils.  So I'm not completely uncreative.  

Mostly the little motivation I do have is prioritized and directed towards my school work.  So if anyone is still out there and still reads this blog, please be patient with me.  I want to come back to writing.  I just dont know how or when.  

Update

I've totally abandoned the blog this semester but it's finally over!  I made it through a really difficult semester.  I came out on the other side thirsty for creativity (a couple classes I took this semester were more about merit than creativity and it really pushed my limits *in ways that i think were less than constructive or encouraging of growth*).  But anyway, the point is I survived and got the grades I needed.  This upcoming semester doesn't start for a month and it will be significantly easier since I'll be taking things that I'm good at, enjoy learning and come easily to me.  So hopefully you'll see more activity on the blog again.  However, I do want to say I'm way way way happier than I was when I started this blog.  Suffering seemed to drive my poetry mainly and now I'm on a journey to find my voice again.  I think I'm finding it in social justice and world issues.  I'm incredibly passionate about women's rights, feminism, LGBTQIQA, global warming, agriculture and water issues and other ecological quandaries.  So I'm hoping maybe I can learn to put those feelings into my art without also feeling stupid, pedantic or simplistic.  I haven't taken an actual writing class or workshop in years and I miss input dearly.  I'm hoping when I get to university I can dabble in the english department again.  Maybe double major…or even triple major.  We'll see.  I love to learn when it's fun.  Watch me pull a Hermione.

When you can't find any words to tell your own story...

My Secret

Maria told me I looked really good since I've lost weight.
Little does she know my secret is morning anxiety diarrhea.




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#fuckedupshitmariasaystome

Emit Emote Emigrate

Can't deal with feelings.
So much emotion in life:
Happiness, regret;
So I decide to drink to
distill my disturbances.

A Response

Whatever stirs your curiosity,

Everything you've felt,

All the things that stand in the way;

That's what makes you complete; 


That's how life is lived.

Uncomplicated

Around her, I become pure, the uncompounded element of myself.
Each day I see her, I cannot fathom
how she has managed to wake up even more
divine, ravishing, breath-taking
than the night before when she rested her head upon my shoulder.
How I love her; it's as if I've never loved before...

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No but for realsies, all this #deathofdoma stuff is really making me miss her.  (She's at a festival currently).  I'm totally deficient in vitamin robynflavin.

Letters to an Ex-Lover Anthology: Aplomb

I know happiness at last.
I saw misery and left it in the past.
I persevered and found mental health,
Because no one can save you from yourself.





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Everyday I doubt myself less and love myself more.

Alice's Haikus

If you had asked me
ten years ago whether I
would be here today,

I would act aloof
and maybe indignant too,
and I'd say, "Never there;"

And yet here I stand,
tending a secret garden,
chasing Caroll's dreams.

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Sorry it's been such slow output.  I went from putting 125% of my energy into school straight into the garden.  It just happens to be 1:23 and I'm buzzed and listening to Kanye West.  So, you can imagine the state I'm in.  But in any case, what I wanted to say in this note is that I'm watching my poetry/style/subject material transform (albeit slowly, but transformation non-the-less).  It's scary and thrilling and mundane all at the same time.
Maybe I'll consider going to sleep now...who knows?  I certainly don't.