Olive

Everything about love has already been said,
But I'd say it all again.

Flavor

It was something to taste
On my lips, rolling along my tongue,
And dribbling out my mouth:
The phrase "I'm gay."

Perpetual Issues

I looked into myself,
Gazed past the healed scars,
I reached deep within myself
And touched something raw.
I felt the wounds I thought I'd worked so diligently to heal;
I think now they may always fester
And only sink deeper, nearer to my soul.

(April '14)

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I let myself try a thing I haven't tried in a long time, but I wasn't ready, and it made me wonder if I ever would be.  

Chrysalis

No one ever said the transformation was easy.
No one ever said the butterfly never felt pain
As it moved from leaf to air.
Secretly coccooned, we walk each path alone,
Silently enduring our changes
To beauty and perfection.
Showcase the rebirth.
Spread your wings and fly freely.
6/10/2011




...and suddenly I'm on a runaway freight train loaded with emotional baggage and a tanker full of explosive accusations and self-doubt...
(Feb. 16, 2011)



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This is the part where I talk about my feelings:
I've been feeling like a lot's about to change in my life (which is why I felt like the Chrysalis poem was fitting to post today).  I'm about to move onto university and shortly after, hopefully, grad school.  I'm closing a (big) chapter of my life and it's very scary to move on.  It's also so very exciting.  It feels like I've been sleeping and my life is finally about to start.  My greatest fear is that I'll sabotage myself when I get there (which is why I've included the quote). (~5/11/2014)

Renewable Resources

Anxiety is defined as an earnest but tense desire, 
But I know better.
Anxiety is momentum.
Both an invisible force that drives you to great things,
And a palpable drive that forces you to invisibility.

Anxiety is thought gravity,
An unrestrained force of nature trapped between two ears.
It puts a supernova's weight onto a singular thought;
All other thoughts roll towards your new obsession
Adding weight,  increasing gravity, maximizing the pull.

Anxiety is a compulsion.
You strain against it to distract and beguile your mind
For a moment of peace in your own skin,
But it eventually culls your creativity and sensibility,
Browbeating once sane thoughts into the mass of fears.

Serious Lack of Motivation

The house is under construction and my life is upside down.  I'm a little butterfly in her cocoon waiting for the right moment to say "STEP ASIDE BITCHES MY TIME HAS COME".  But it's not now, not yet.  

So I'm lacking any serious motivation to do anything.  I'm waiting for my first choice college to send me an acceptance letter (rejection is not an option!!).  This is called visualization for all you newbs, you may also know it by its other name "delusional".  Also, I don't really have any hobbies and kinda havent in the last year (last semester ate everything that was extracurricular).  I lost two cats in five months (I'm a witch and they were my familiars).  So I'm feeling uninspired, unmotivated and not very magical.  So that's why I haven't written anything.  I've been taking an oral interpretation of lit class at school and it's been fun to perform other people's writing.  I've also been painting at least once a week with my watercolor pencils.  So I'm not completely uncreative.  

Mostly the little motivation I do have is prioritized and directed towards my school work.  So if anyone is still out there and still reads this blog, please be patient with me.  I want to come back to writing.  I just dont know how or when.  

Update

I've totally abandoned the blog this semester but it's finally over!  I made it through a really difficult semester.  I came out on the other side thirsty for creativity (a couple classes I took this semester were more about merit than creativity and it really pushed my limits *in ways that i think were less than constructive or encouraging of growth*).  But anyway, the point is I survived and got the grades I needed.  This upcoming semester doesn't start for a month and it will be significantly easier since I'll be taking things that I'm good at, enjoy learning and come easily to me.  So hopefully you'll see more activity on the blog again.  However, I do want to say I'm way way way happier than I was when I started this blog.  Suffering seemed to drive my poetry mainly and now I'm on a journey to find my voice again.  I think I'm finding it in social justice and world issues.  I'm incredibly passionate about women's rights, feminism, LGBTQIQA, global warming, agriculture and water issues and other ecological quandaries.  So I'm hoping maybe I can learn to put those feelings into my art without also feeling stupid, pedantic or simplistic.  I haven't taken an actual writing class or workshop in years and I miss input dearly.  I'm hoping when I get to university I can dabble in the english department again.  Maybe double major…or even triple major.  We'll see.  I love to learn when it's fun.  Watch me pull a Hermione.

When you can't find any words to tell your own story...

My Secret

Maria told me I looked really good since I've lost weight.
Little does she know my secret is morning anxiety diarrhea.




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#fuckedupshitmariasaystome