Safe Spaces

Why am I responsible
For finding a comfortable space
In a system that
Doesn't even think I exist

Intimate

This was supposed to be my sanctuary
It was built on fault lines and rotten wood
But it was mine and I called it home
But lately it has conspired to
Evict the soul inside of it
To empty itself of its life force
And crumble into ash
My body promised my soul at conception
"In sickness and in health,
Til death do us part"
I don't understand why it insists on
Choosing the soil in a grave over me
It is the most intimate betrayal

Get Out

You don't know what it's like to have someone you don't want inside of you
And to never be able to get all of them out of you

Exit

Can't tell if it's what I really want
Or if I'm just looking for justification
For my escape

In the Hole

Depression traps a bully inside your skull
And locks your heart outside the room
And begs your fingers to tear away
At the smallest pieces of yourself
In an effort to disappear into thin air unnoticed
It destabilizes all your values and plans
And dismantles your identities
Until there's nothing left of you
And I feel myself slip away

Honestly

I feel I have reached the end of my rope
And now I'm left unravelling the ends
To tie them together again
In a single long thread
To try to reach the finish line
And I'm running out of ends to tie

Boy Bye

I escaped you
And I'll dance at your funeral
Dressed in black
I'll be spinning widdershins
Undoing everything you ever did
I guarantee my memory will outlast yours
You won't be forgiven
But you will be forgotten

Cleave

Stooped down to examine the unconsidered
Moving through the open mouth of the rat
I saw my pain designed
I was spectator and architect
Dropped into the lake of restoration
Knowing full well an elixir will never satisfy
Beasts and demons of chronic debilitation
A disorder demanding transformation
I am its subject
Too broken to remember restitution
Don't know where the platform disembarks
When I am a member of myself
And I can't dissolute.

Memory Games

Five years trying to forget what you did to me

But I can't forget so I'm emptying myself 

Of your plentiful poisons instead

I'm just afraid not to feel anything

At all, even anger, when I'm done with this

When I left you, you told me, ironically,

You wanted to marry me

But honestly, I can't think of anything worse

Than being locked in your prison

Until death, probably mine, do we part 

I realized I would never 

Beat you at your own game

I realized, too, that I had already lost

So long before that moment

And I left you

And I will leave you again and again

Dropping memories of you like bread crumbs.