Barbarism

Laughed at by the gods
Our losses just an elaborate prank
To entertain something more
If freedom and abandonment
Were not loud enough
To put a force in me
To search for my own exculpation
The way a dog subsidizes
Its household's decisions
In a world that is abjectly unfair
Imbued with free will
But forbidden from philosophy
To bring us into this world
Only to discharge us again
Inhuman and hence divine
This is how I know
God is a terrorist

Mangroves

My fear, baited like a fishook,
Places the fruit of anxiety with a pit of trepidations
Into the soil of my abdomen to nourish and grow
Fed by insecurities and self-directed cruelties
Whose roots will wend their way tortuously deep
Into my own egregore, twisting through foundational ontologies
And cracking the bedrock of my confidence.

Uncertainty

I grow forests of worries saturated by my tears
They bloom anxieties whose fruit
Is always overripe and so often bitter
I chop them down with my ax of reason
Sharpened on the stone rationale and wet with deliberation
Their trunks fall haphazardly tearing at
My faith on the way down, shattering my ease on impact
But no matter how many I burn
To sustain the warmth of self-compassion
There is still a forest of doubt before me.

Loss

Mediated by the unforgetful soma
It's too hard to convey
The devastation we weathered
That is your latest transmutation

Arroyo

Your love is a dry arroyo that for years sustained me 

And quenched my parched heart with your flashflood adoration

But now crumbles under the footsteps of my words

Greedy for traces of you.

Grief

I wasn’t ready for this trip.
It was unexpected, and I was unprepared.
And now this journey will color the months of my 30^th year
As I navigate how to undo what has been undone.

upset

[ verb, adjective uhp-set; noun uhp-set ]

verb (used without object), up·set, up·set·ting.

to become upset or overturned.

An Offering

O Universe,
Here I am,
To service you and my fellows.
I offer devout service through myself as your instrument.
I open myself to creativity in my life
And surrender my old ideas in return for new.
I trust that you will unfold yourself before me,
That it is safe to walk,
That you will lead me.
I know I am your creation, a conduit for greater creativity.
I ask that you unfold my life accordingly.
Help me believe I am worthy and that it is not too late
That I am not too small or too flawed to be healed
By you and through each other -- and made whole again.
Help us love one another, to nurture each other's unfolding,
To encourage each other's growth,
And understand each other's fears.
Help us to know we are not alone,
That we are loved and lovable.
Help us to create as an act of worship to you.

Ketamine

Waves of saliva race for the shores of my teeth

As my hands turn to spiders and scatter across my keyboard

And my eyes spin like plates when nothing stirs

I am healing as I am disassembled and reassembled